Broken Sisterhood

It has been almost 4 years but the pain just doesn't seem to go away. Guess this is the price I have to pay for trusting you so easily. All I wanted was to befriend you to get over my loneliness. If only I knew this was the price I had to pay for having "temporary happiness", I would not have even crossed paths with you. The pain, betrayal and disappointment that you have so generously gifted , still lingers in my soul.

I will never forgive you....EVER...but I will forget you and try my best to let go of what you have done. I actually forgot your existence till I got that disturbing message from the one person I thought of as my brother. Then I realized it was not one but two people who had betrayed my trust. I hope karma gets back at you. I was scolded and shouted at  because of both of you. Your father questioned my family's values because of you. I had to hear the words I never wanted my uncle to say to me "I  am disappointed in you". All thanks to you. I just gritted my teeth and bowed my head down in shame when everyone said horrible things about me. When I came to you, as it was your mess that defamed me, you shunned me away . Well that's when I decided to tell my parents the truth about you and him. I tried to be a good friend but I am not stupid. I know when someone is trying to throw me under the bus. My hurt pride and ego seeked vengeance. I was sick of people betraying me and this was the first time I stood up for myself. Now I am wounded as I have learnt that while I was getting slammed with criticism for your doings, you were enjoying your time with him. The rage and fury which I had buried deep inside me was awakened as I found out about your flirting and relationships. Why did you do this to me? My only mistake was trusting you. I have never felt so used , and disposed off.  I guess the only one I can truly love and trust is my family , Best Friend and pets.

I have learnt a painful lesson to not call anyone who is not blood related to me as sister or brother, no matter how close you are. My two best friends are the only exception as they have been there for me and have never betrayed me . I guess I have to thank you for making me wiser, as now I am more careful as to who to befriend and trust.

Loyalty from my perspective

What has come of our world ? My cup of caramel frappucino lasts longer than relationships these days. What happened to days where relationships were sacred and beautiful. The youth these days make a mockery of the word " Love". I guess the problem arises when we fail to differentiate between infatuation and pure love. In accordance to the Oxford Dictionary infatuation is very strong feeling of love or attraction for especially when these are unreasonable and doo not last long. Whilst love is defined as a strong feeling and deep attraction which arises genuinely from one.

Recently, I was asked if it was unloyal to hop on to next person when you have just parted ways from your previous relationship. Personally I think its stupid to wait for something that is not going to work out. Prior to parting ways, I am sure both parties thought through things well. I do admit there are times when people who have split up get back together. However, how often does this occur ? Life is a journey and everyone has their own story and adventure, and whether or not they want to go on that journey alone or with someone special is entirely up to them. I took a few days to think of a proper nd rational answer. Well after a few days of soul searching, I managed to come with the best answer I possibly could. Loyalty to a person is being with that person through the thick and thin, joy and melancholy, in health and sickness, and the list goes on. However, I do believe everyone has a breaking point, this breaking point is reached when the two people no longer see eye to eye. Every couple goes through this stage, if the couple can work things out, then they will share a better and more fruitful relationship and if in some cases it does not end well. After one break's up with their so-called better half, they will each go through a phase of self realisation, this is essential after every break up as you will learn how to love and embrace the most important person  - YOURSELF. Unless you learn to love yourself, how do expect others to love you. It all begins from within. After a while, you will meet another person and see how it goes. Thats life, figuring things out and just going with the flow. So no your not an unloyal person if you move on with life with another person. Moving on and adapting is vital part of life.

When you were a kid you must have liked a particular toy, for example a teddy bear but as you grew up I am sure you became fond of other things as well. Does that mean you were unloyal to your first toy? No. It means you are simply growing up and discovering the world around you. Every relationship you go through will mould you to become a better person, so that when you meet 'The One' , you will appreciate and care for the person deeply.  So this is my take on loyalty, being there for the person you are with and not fooling around.

The things that I Treasure The Most :)

I am sure everyone treasures something in life.It doesn't have to be something expensive or fancy, just something meaningful. I too have my little treasurer's. Whenever I am sad or just not in the mood , I go through my box of treasure's. I never fail to smile or tear up a little when ever I lay my hands on these treasure's. Reliving those moments with the people I love, their gifts may not be what the society labels as fancy. You can't put a price tag on love, it does not matter how big or small, cheap or expensive, plain or fancy the gift is. Its the thought that the people who love you put into it that matters. Some treasure's can't be touched or felt, but only can be relived in our memories. The memories you share with a  close family member, friend, pet and etc. Those are truly the priceless treasure's.

1) Notes from  my teacher

    ~ This may seem weird to some people. However, this man changed my perspective and outlook on life. He is my Guru and I will forever be grateful for all he has done for me. The knowledge which he has bestowed upon me will always be ingrained in me. He is unlike any other teacher I have met. He inspires , encourages and shows us nothing is impossible. Though I am deeeply pained by our separation but now I will have to walk my own path and use all that I have learnt till now , to go about my life. I will always treasure and cherish all my memories I have shared with him. I am glad I met him as he is the reason I have a wonderful friend who means the world to me.

2) Bookmark from my Best Friend           

    ~  My dear friend gave me this bookmark a few days back. I have had trouble trusting people due to my rather horrible experience since preschool. People usually pray for wealth, health and education. I on the other hand prayed to get a true friend. Growing up I saw many  people laugh, joke, cry and share secrets as well as stories with their friends. The people whom I befriended ended up betraying my trust. Anyway on the positive note, when I was in pre-university, my best friend ( the true friend that I have been praying for finally walked into my life). She is one of the best things that happened in my life. I will forever be grateful to God for giving me such a great friend. Yes I am shamelessly boasting as she is really that wonderful. I was deeply touched when she got me a bookmark which had a short note about true friends. This girl is soo silly at times, she was supposed to be broke and she spent 8 bucks on a bookmark for me. Where will you ever find such a friend? I love her to death.

3) Books from my childhood best friend and cousin
   ~ I can still remember vividly my best friend calling me to ask what I wanted for my birthday.  " Nothing dude, all I want is to spend time with my best friend", I said to him. Well he was determined and kept asking me . After a while I gave up and just said, " It sure would be great to get my hands on the Vampire Diaries book". I was in for a surprise that evening . Many people till date think we are a couple but in fact we are just really good friends. I guess people can't digest the fact that a girl and boy can be just friends. Anyway he really surprised me by buying almost the whole collection of the Vampire Diaries series ( at that moment only the first 4 books were available). I was so shocked and happy as I was merely joking and he actually took the liberty to even wrap the books. He then looked at me and apologized as he was unable to get the first book as the store had no stock of it.  I just laughed till tears trickled down my cheeks . He just stared at me and asked if I was ok. " Honey, you just made my day, I am so blessed to have you as a friend and right now I am the happiest girl in the world", I said gleefully. The word search book was given to be my my dearest cousin. When my friends bailed on me last minute my cousin drove all the way to my place which is a 2 hour drive just to make sure I won't be celebrating my 18th birthday alone. He took me shopping after we had  lunch. I know its crazy a guy taking me out for shopping, well that's my cousin. His a true gentleman and a keeper. He made my 18th birthday a memorable one.

 4) Fossil Purse
    ~ This is definitely one of the most expensive purchases my mother has ever made for me. I want to make something clear before I continue, I am an animal lover and I am in no way promoting animal abuse or etc. This is the only possession of mine which is leather. I only accepted it as my mother put in a lot of effort in order to get it for me. This was one of my tokens for getting good grades. I have no intention to get more leather products but I would always treasure this purse as my mother gave it to me. I have spoken to my mum about my views on leather and animal cruelty and since then she has only gifted me with books or clothes. This is why I love her as she is ever so understanding and just simply awesome.


 5) Incanto
   ~ My father and I have had a rough time and till now we are still trying to patch things up. Honestly I don't know if we will ever fully patch things up. He usually gets me things that I don't like or have no interest in. Don't get me wrong and assume I am ungrateful, I am just a very blunt person. I say it to your face whether you like it or not. I guess this contributed to me only having a few friends. Oh well, they do say friends who accept you as you are are the true friends. Last year, he brought back Incanto when he came back from one of his travelling gigs. It was the first time he gifted me something that I loved. Perfume. We are slowly learning each others  likes and dislikes. I guess we are taking baby steps to resurrect our father-daughter relationship.

6) Memories from my late aunt
  ~ Though the time we spent together was brief , every moment was special and will be cherished for eternity. Just a few weeks before her departure, I received a brilliant orange kurti (tops for girls) and a small purple diary. I was touched that she remembered my favourite colour , as we last met about 3 years back. I was shocked when I found out a few weeks later that she had passed away. Her death shook up the family badly. I never wrote anything in the diary as everytime I look at it, the tragic day plays in mind on replay. However, the kurti she gave me has become one of my favourite's. I hope you are happy and your soul has found peace velliamma.

7) Memories from my late uncle
  ~  My uncle still lives in us in different ways. Our love for him get us through the day. My uncle was my father figure. The closest thing I have got to a father figure  ( as my dad and I do not have the best father-daughter relationship) . He battled leukemia valiantly for years. One day he had to be rushed to the hospital, few hours later we receive horrific news - his passing. I still relive those depressing moments till today, -the phone calls from the hospital - her mum asking me to keep mum and not tell my cousin about it yet -n the guilt of keeping my cousin in the dark - my cousin crying inconsolably on the phone - arriving at my cousins house and seeing her brother break down before my eyes - the arrival of my uncle's body - seeing him in the coffin - relatives arriving and mourning - sadness - emptiness.  2012 ,new year , new beginning, as he said to me while coaxing me to buy some new clothes. " At least buy a shirt ", he said. After being emotionally blackmailed ( he was a professional at that... sorry velliacha :) ) i finally gave in and let him get me 3 shirts and a cardigan. I will treasure this gifts as it was given with love. One of the greatest lessons my uncle ( my dad) taught me was to always be grateful for your blessings and give back to the people even with the little you have. He was indeed a great man. I hope you are happy in heaven and enjoying your after life my dear acha .

Fragile

Have you ever been hurt ? Trusted someone to the extend where you trusted the person more than you trusted yourself. Well I was foolish to do so. Now I am just a wreck.  The inability to express my emotions makes me numb. Did her doing make me an ice queen? All I can do is keep questioning myself why? Why did she do this? Why am I always the one to find out? Why am I the one who has to keep my mouth shut in order to preserve the pride of the people I love? Why must I be the one to keep it in and smile, though I am dying inside?  Guess its because I owe it to the 2 people I just can't hurt. Love leaves you feeling helpless and fragile at times.
A wise man once said I rather love than never experience nor receive love. Right now I wish I never did. Love is painful .

When its too late

Don't blame others for your own mishap, as its the choices that you have made that have got you there. You are the pilot of your own journey . You should always be grateful for all your blessings as there is always someone who is less fortunate than you. We often take take things for granted , for instance a cup of clean water. Do you how many people in the world are not priveleged to even get a cup of clean water  ? Well this is merely the tip of the iceberg. Today I am going write about something personal - my uncle.

          Lately my grandparents and mother have been all over the place. My brother and I just go about our day as usual as we are 'too young' to know or get involved in family drama. This kept going on for a while till I finally got fed up of constantly being kept in the dark. So that is when I started to investigate and observe more. I can be quite resourceful when I want and need to be. After 2 weeks of investigating and snooping around I finally found out the problem. My recent discovery sent shock waves throughout my body. I was puzzled and disturbed.  After almost two decades I realised I had another uncle. I have always thought that my grandfathers elder sister only had one child, I was shocked when I found out that she actually had two sons. After I managed to calm down, my mind raced and questioned soo many things. Its one of those moments when you have a burst of ideas, thoughts and etc.

         Soo many questions yet I didn't know where to search for the answers. I decided to ask my elder cousins about this mysterious uncle. I was mind blown when I realised no one... none of my cousins knew about his existance. I didn't know whether to feel relieved (as I wasn't the only one to be kept in the dark) or frustrated ( as now I was back at square one) .  After eavesdropping on my elders conversations, I came to know that this uncle is dying, from some illness. "Wonderful", I thought to myself. Now I will never know anything about you.

         After realising the only way I am  getting any answers about my uncle is by asking my mother, I came clean about knowing his existance (hoping she would put my case to rest). Thankfully she told me something about him. Apparently, he and his brother were brought up by my grandfather and his other sister after theirs parents departure. My uncle lost contact with the family in his pursuit to attain wealth. After some time, he comes back with a lady, whom he introduced as his wife. This angered the entire family as he got married without informing anyone in the family. My family tried our best to welcome her in the family as they couldn't do much anymore as my uncle had already  married her.

         She had other ideas and bad intentions on my family. After my grandfathers sister and her husband passed away, all the first born males in the family were having a rough time (in either health, wealth or education) . One of my aunts went to a well known temple and enquired a priest about my family's recent turmoil. My aunt quickly came back and informed my family about what the priest just told her. Since that very day, my family has kept our distance from that uncle and his family. I asked my mum , "So what did the priest say?".  My mum hesitated at first, but after a bit of coaxing she finally told me the 'family secret'. Black magic. I am a science student and we are told to not believe in things that are not scientifically proven. Supernatural things are not real, I mean sure I do watch shows about supernatural beings, but no I don't believe that its real. Anyway the reason my family distanced ourselves from that uncle was because his wife practices black magic and cursed all the first born men in the family. I still don't believe this but what I do now is that lady sends out bad vibes. The sad thing is that this uncle has to pay the price for his wives sins. We found out he passed away yesterday morning from a man ( who remained annonymous) . After all that his wife has done, none of his cousins , even his brother isn't going for his funeral. Its sad but I guess this is what happens when you double cross your family. Sometimes its just too late.